Three Questions, Three Answers By Shiming Why did I succeed in worldly pursuits and pleasures at the cost of loss of identity?□
Three kinds of motives□
I am in my fourth year of Ph.D. studies in Chemistry at Stanford University.□ When I was studying for my Bachelor’s degree at Beijing University, I often felt the existence of a supernatural force beyond the realm of the known world. Without such a supernatural being, it is hard to comprehend why this colorful world is so well organized. It was natural for me to accept the notion of God. Yet I had no idea who this God is and what He has to do with my life.
I was entangled in pursuing happiness and success right from when I was very young.□ For me, happiness signified going to the top university and graduate school, acquiring the best education available, getting a decent job, establishing a family and seeking for life’s best from then on. However, whenever I accomplished what I desired, I only enjoyed a moment of pleasure, followed by a profound loss in my heart. The more I achieved, the greater the loss I felt.
Rated as the top student in my province in my senior year at high school, I represented Fujian Province in the National High School Chemistry Olympics in 1996. In September of that year, I was recommended for admission to Beijing University, which houses the best Chemistry program in China. At the time, everyone who knew me, including myself, thought I was the happiest person in the world. Yet I felt lost in the innermost part of my heart. I didn’t know why I had that feeling but chose to avoid it.
Soon after my admission to Beijing University, a new round of aspiration-success-despair began. I learned that a lot of the senior fellow students from the Chemistry Department received full scholarship from top universities abroad and went on to pursue Ph.D. studies there. A new aspiration rose in my heart. I wished someday I would study at a prominent university overseas just like them. □I was sure that achieving this dream would make me the happiest person on this planet.
Three kinds of motives
Afterwards, I enrolled in the dual Bachelor degrees program in Chemistry and Physics at Beijing University. I made history in the University as I became the first student ever admitted to such a program.□ It took me five years to complete this program which would normally take eight years to finish. Upon graduation, I was the first one in my class to be admitted to the Ph.D. program at Stanford University with a full scholarship. Surprisingly, I faced a much deeper loss.
I decided to confront the sense of loss this time. I started to question what I felt about success. □I asked myself why I suffered a loss of identity at all times when I achieved my pursuits and pleasures. On top of that, the greater the success, the more profound the sense of loss, and the longer it lingered on. I didn’t find the answer and thus squandered the last several months of college in loss and emptiness. The joy of the secular success was momentary as it never brought eternal peace and happiness. To search for the real meaning of success and happiness prompted me to seek God. This became the prime mover.
The second motive came from the abortive love affair I went through after I attended Stanford. The romance was brief and lasted only two month yet the impact was convulsive. The two of us did our best to care for the other but unfortunately the relationship ended in resentment and hatred.
I always considered myself a good and caring person. What did I do to deserve such a sticky end? Similarly, I noticed many of my colleagues and classmates had comparable experiences. Thus a new puzzle surfaced in my mind, “Why do heartfelt relationships turn into bitterness? Do humans really know how to care for others?”
Finally, the third motive came from how I dealt with the chronic disease of mine, my pride. I knew I was very arrogant and had to alter this behavior. I tried for twenty years to have it changed but my efforts yielded no results. Oftentimes the smooth sail and success brought great pride, only to be followed by difficulties in life and studies. The situation was painful yet there was little I could do about it.
Three kinds of answers
Powerless in my dealings with love and pride, I attended Stanford Evangelical Fellowship. The fellowship is a big family full of love and joy. I was tremendously touched by the witnesses and testimonies of other members. Gradually, I discovered answers to my loss, disbelief and ineptitude through the lives of others in the fellowship.
At the time, I had just arrived at Stanford, so my English was not very good. I had to seek help from others and asked them to give me a ride. I quickly discovered the difference between Christian students and non-Christian students. Typically non-Christian students helped me out of courtesy and I soon sensed their impatience. On the contrary, Christian students offered me endless love and caring with joyful hearts. Sometimes I became impatient myself but they were not irritated.
I wanted to know their God. It was this God that prompted them to care for others selflessly and continuously. It was this God whom they trust gave them a joyful and meaningful life. It was this God that made them humble even when they were overwhelmingly successful.□□□□□
Subsequently, I attended the Bible studies at the fellowship. After several months of study, I uncovered the answers to my questions:
Why do you succeed in worldly pursuits and pleasures at the cost of loss of identity?
This is because humans are spiritual beings created by God. As such, humans are above materialism. Thus, no worldly gains including money, fame and power would ever provide us with everlasting happiness and contentment. Only by knowing the origin of our life, our Creator and His perfect purpose for us will we live peacefully, joyfully and meaningfully.
Would humans ever know how to love others? The answer can be found in the fact that we are all sinners and one of our sins is self-indulgence. We often love others according to our own means rather than according to what fits others. When problems occur, we tend to look for excuses and rely on our self-righteousness so that we portray ourselves as victims. What we should do is examine ourselves and forgive the harms done to us. Since we often blame others for the failure rather than scrutinize ourselves, the relationship often ends up in misunderstanding and hatred.
I learned if humans do not know God’s incessant love, they are not able to love others continuously because their love does not last long and will be depleted. Humans constantly expect payback in return. The reason why Christians love others with joyful hearts is because they continuously come into contact with the grace and love of God in their lives. The Bible says, “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19).
As far as arrogance is concerned, it is another aspect of our sin. People always honor their own for their successes which throw themselves into the trap of pride. On the contrary, Christians reckon their abilities come from God and thus have nothing to be proud of. They are thankful to God for giving them the competence and wisdom, which they use to witness for God and make them a blessing for others. I found myself gradually understanding this important truth. More significantly, my ability to love others and forgive their wrongdoings increases day by day. As a result, my life becomes more lightened and joyful.□□
One thing that astonishes me the most is that I completely forgave the harms done by my ex-girlfriend through Scriptural readings and prayers. Not only that, I became conscious of my own wrongdoings, admitted them and asked for her forgiveness in a ten-page letter I wrote to her. I finally realized if you hold grudges against others, you are the one who suffers the most. On the contrary, you’ll live through great joy if you admit to being wrong and forgive the wrongdoings of others.
Dear friends, maybe you are losing control in your life, feeling helpless, hopeless, or insecure. You can have that peace directly coming from God, by you appreciating and realizing what God has planned for you.□ Every single one of us can build that intimate relationship with God.□Through the salvation made possible by Jesus Christ, you can experience God’s wonderful grace that will care for and guide you for a lifetime.
The God of Peace is only one prayer away.If you want the confident expectation of His strength and wisdom in your today and His help and hope for your tomorrow, you need only ask. Just tell Him…
Dear God,
I have gone my own way in life and have put my hope in so many things that have disappointed me. Forgive me and come into my life today. Show me how to live in the confident expectation of how You can impact my life, my character and my circumstances. I place my hope in You right now and ask You to make Yourself known to me in my life right where I walk. I thank you. Amen.
"May the God of Peace fill you with all joy and peace, as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." The Bible: Romans 15:13
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