Triumph Over Yourself, Waver No More By QinFong I was an atheist.
Neither my wife nor I was born to a Christian family, nor did our families engage in any sort of religious festivities. When I was very young, my parents taught me to live honestly, study hard and persevere in hardships. They practiced what they preached. We were educated to be atheists in school and were told that religion is the fruit of ignorance, just superstition due to human primitiveness.
We were taught that we ought to train ourselves, testing our wills and seeking the truth of science. We were to trust that the determination of men is capable of conquering nature. Doing so will bring about of a free and highly ethical society that is based on distribution according to need.□ All through school this was repeated over and over.
I was an obedient and ambitious child.
When I was little, my ambition was to go to college and become a learned man like my father. My father came from a poor family but later on became the only college graduate from our village in decades. This had great impact on me and I was proud of what he had achieved. I had the opportunity to study, did well in school, and was a good boy in the eyes of my parents.
What I had achieved academically slowly lead to pride disguised under a modest veneer. As I entered high school, I went through some difficulties and became doubtful about what knowledge could and could not conquer. Sometimes I would revisit what life meant to me but could not find a meaningful solution on my own.
Emotionally, I chose to cling on to the pure dream that hard work was the answer to any problem.□ This dream got me going and made me successful throughout the years of hardships in life. If I did my best, I could attain what I dreamed about. If I did not accomplish what I wanted, it was solely because I did not strive for it hard enough. This was what my mentality was before I went to college. I always thought religion was deceiving as well as self-deceiving, something for the pitiful. I never thought I would become a Christian someday.
I was merely a lucky person.
After I passed the college entrance examination, I found myself merely one of the luckiest. Seldom did I find the joy of learning any more. Later, I became very ill at college, which brought me down completely. The notion that I am a man of competence both physically and academically made the matter worse for me emotionally. It took me a long time to recover from this illness.
Since then, I no longer treated exams as my top priority and I started to regain the pleasure of study. After college graduation, I went for my master’s degree in the Chinese Academy of Science in Lanzhou, followed by doctoral studies in Beijing. Afterwards, I did scientific research at the Atomic Institute in Beijing. I gained some superficial knowledge of scientific research through these experiences.
As I touched on the fields of the universe, geography, physics and chemistry, I realized the limitations of modern science in the explanation of the origin of universe and life. The various layers of standards and variation that existed in nature can never be fully explained in equations. My experiences in academia also brought my attention to the fact that scientists are not truly ethical and spiritual higher beings. A lot of times, they strive for extreme material gains. They compete to be the top performer in their fields. Peer pressure is tremendous.
Science is able to explore physiological, psychological and social events but it can never explain our emotional confusion and spiritual loss in life. Science can not teach a person to self-examine, neither does science teach a person to choose the right path and seek the meaning and truth of life. I believe the only Creator and Supreme Being exist behind all this. I still hold passion for scientific research but no longer deem it supreme.
I was constantly lonely and helpless.
I was constantly lonely and helpless in the days when I was away from my parents. Before I came to know God, I hinged on my pride and the cultivation of morality to get over the difficulties. I relied on my obstinacy that I can make it without God. I did not need the help from God because I felt that God is only a conjecture, one I fiercely rejected.
When I was studying for my PhD, my wife asked whether I would like to believe in God. I bluntly refused the idea. I used to say, “This is something we do not know. Why believe in Christianity?” I dissuaded my wife from becoming a Christian. Later, she got her degree and planned to conduct post-doctoral studies in the U.S. Unfortunately, her application for a visa was denied twice. She had to give up her plan. We wandered in the following couple of months and finally got both employed in Beijing. But we worked afar from each other. We rushed between work and life. We didn’t have Christian friends and thus did not continue to study the word of God.
I became humble and gentle.
Late last year, my wife got admitted to the post-doctoral studies at Stanford University.□ We decided to apply for a visa together. I prayed in my heart and sought for God’s blessings. Thanks be to Him, we got our visas. In April, 2006, I resigned from my post in Beijing and came to the U.S. to be united with my wife. My friends took me to the church. I was curious to find out what kind of people Christians are and how they interact with each other. I used to hear that some Christians do not take into the account of feelings of others and forced people into conversion to Christianity. Thus I felt restless and uneasy. Shortly, I was touched by their genuine love. Although I did not know their faith, we were positively influenced and willing to know who God is.□ A friend was very enthusiastic about driving us to the Bible study, so it was hard for us to turn down an offer with such warmth.
After I came to the U.S., I was amazed to find a multitude of churches here. I did not understand why there are so many churches in America, a highly developed country in science and technology. I did some research on Christianity. I attended the Bible study, heard some meaningful testimonies, but could not reconcile between myself and the notion of sin. The question of sin cost me my sleep.
It was so difficult to abandon my personal pride, self dependence and accomplishment. Equally, it is so challenging to transform into someone genuinely humble and gentle. However, it is only through God are we able to break away from life’s anguish and confusion. To realize the arrogance and pretension in human’s sinful nature is not to shun the secular life. On the contrary, trusting and obeying God is to admit one’s weakness and accept His mercy and blessings.
What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?
If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not as concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here's a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of□person you want me to be.
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.□
Is this the life for you?
If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you'll experience life to the fullest.
We at Chinese Women Today would love to hear from you! If you prayed this prayer, please let us know. We will e-mail you some helpful information and respond personally to your questions.
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